


T'hy'la

by Fiona James (Bluewolf458)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 21:04:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1872390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluewolf458/pseuds/Fiona%20James
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post V'ger, Kirk and Spock discuss their relationship</p>
            </blockquote>





	T'hy'la

**Author's Note:**

> First printed 1982 in Cheap Thrills 3

T'HY'LA

by Fiona James

(Aka Trisha Gallagher)

_"Out there - thataway!"_

_Is it only an hour since I gave that order? It almost seems as though I never left, as if the two-and-a-half years on Earth were a dream. No - not a dream; a nightmare._

_Giving orders, but always orders reached through reasoned calculation, never feeling instinctively, in my guts, that this was the thing to do because it was right. And there was nobody else whose advice I could depend on, either, every decision had to be mine, only mine. Oh, it always was that way, of course - the buck always did stop with me - but I always had Spock's advice, or McCoy's, or even at a pinch Scotty's to guide me. But at Headquarters there was nobody with space experience on my immediate staff._

_I could talk things over with Lori, that first year - but she had no space experience either, and the only purpose she served really was as a listener. I really did care for her while she was there, but once our year's contract was up I was almost relieved. We had a good enough relationship, but there was always something missing, though I don't think she realized it. I wish I knew what it was._

_But the second year there was nobody. Nobody to turn to, nobody to trust - nobody to love. God, it was lonely! And - nobody to depend on me. Was that what was wrong, Lori? You didn't really depend on me, did you? You were always your own mistress._

_I look around the bridge - so familiar, and yet so strange. Spock sits behind me now; I can't look over at him as easily as I used to. And it seems odd to have Chekov over there at Security instead of in front of me at Navigation. Still, I can't begrudge him the promotion - one more step on his way to his own command._

_His own command. Poor Decker. He really must have resented me when I came aboard. Yet if it had been left to him Earth would have been destroyed; he was too cautious to make a good Captain. It's always difficult to know when First Officer is the limit of a person's capabilities. I think he realized it himself, before the end; he was settling back in as Exec well enough. How would he have reacted now, though? On the basis of his caution in tackling V'ger, I wouldn't have recommended him for a captaincy again. And it was only the promise of being reunited with Ilia that motivated him to take that final step._

_It's good to be back, among my friends. All capable, all dependable - and all relying on me. Two years ago that was a burden I wasn't altogether sorry to be rid of - for a while. It feels good to be carrying it again._

_And Spock. Spock... You sensed my thoughts when V'ger came, despite the distance between us. It's almost funny; you left us, went back to Vulcan, went to study at Gol because you wanted to be a 'true' Vulcan, ruled by logic, with all your emotions suppressed. And yet you sensed my thoughts over that enormous distance. How many pure-blooded Vulcans could say the same - that they could pick up someone's thoughts over such a distance, especially someone non-telepathic?_

_I must speak to you when we come off duty. You said so much to me in Sickbay, but there was so much left unsaid. There'll be time to say it now, and I think you'll manage to say it, too. V'ger did indeed hold your answer._

***

To the handful of crew who passed them there was something very reassuring in the sight of the Captain and the Vulcan walking together down the corridor. These men and women had also seen many changes in the past two years. Some of them had served for a while on other ships before reaching the end of their five-year tours of duty. Some had been on the Enterprise during her refit; and while they had accepted Decker he had not had the opportunity to gain their loyalty in an active duty situation. Even those who had not known Kirk, save by reputation, already respected his abilities. The rec room tales about the past missions of the ship had lost nothing in the telling. The 'old hands' already had the newcomers convinced that this command team was invincible.

Kirk paused at his cabin door. "Coming in for a minute?" he invited.

Strange to think that yesterday he would not have risked that invitation - but then yesterday he would not have been walking down the corridor with Spock, who had kept very much to himself while off duty.

Without waiting for an answer Kirk moved into the cabin. Spock followed him.

Inside, the Human turned to his friend. "Welcome home, Spock."

Spock took a deep breath. "It's... it's good to be back, Jim." He looked at Kirk's smiling face. "Oh, Jim!" He reached out and caught Kirk's shoulders, pulling the Human into a tight embrace. "This... was what I wanted to do... when I first came aboard and saw you again. But I couldn't. I still thought that what I wanted - what I needed - was to excise my emotions and live according to total logic. And I was so wrong."

Kirk returned the embrace. "This was what I wanted to do, too," he murmured.

"V'ger came just in time to stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life," Spock whispered. "Only just in time. Another thirty seconds and it would have been too late. I would have been accepted as a Master at Gol. And I would never have realized how wrong it was for me. I would have disguised my unhappiness even from myself, patterning it into logical formulae. But I would have been unhappy, t'hy'la."

Kirk raised his head to look at Spock. His knowledge of the Vulcan language, while not extensive, was adequate for most things; but this was a word completely new to him. "T'hy'la?" he asked quietly.

Spock met his gaze squarely. "It is a word... seldom used on modern Vulcan. It was used in our warrior past to describe the relationship between two warriors who were close friends - so close that they had come to think of each other as brothers."

Kirk was conscious of considerable pleasure at the explanation. After a moment's hesitation Spock went on, "I... am not sure just when I started to think of you as my t'hy'la. I suddenly realized that I did. But I could not admit it to you then - couldn't even admit the truth of it to myself."

"T'hy'la," Kirk said softly. "Yes. Oh, yes." Impulsively he reached up and pulled Spock's head down until his lips touched the Vulcan's forehead.

Spock drew his breath in sharply. He was trembling. It must have been quite traumatic for him, Kirk decided, to be so honest about his emotional response.

With a sudden need to spare him any further trauma, at least for the moment, Kirk made to draw back. But Spock held him tightly, one arm around his shoulders, the other hand moving gently down his back.

Kirk gasped as he responded wholeheartedly, physically, not caring that his body was reacting automatically to the innocently sensual caress. All that mattered was that at last, after so many years of denying his emotional needs, so many years of refusing even to accept that he had emotional needs, Spock had finally realized the truth. He, Kirk, was possibly the only person to whom Spock could reveal those needs in full. What he did now was vital to the Vulcan's adjustment to this new and probably frightening experience.

He raised his head, pulling away slightly. "I missed you," he murmured. "I've needed you so often. Sometimes I dreamed that you were there, especially when I had a difficult decision to make. I'd go to sleep thinking about you, wondering what you would advise. And you would come to me, talk to me, and I would wake up knowing what I should do. It was chance the first time, but afterwards I did it deliberately. Sometimes I tried it just to... see... you, but it only worked if I really needed your advice."

"Sometimes I dreamed of you, too," Spock admitted softly. "Times when you asked my advice, and I gave it. And always I would fast afterwards, subject myself to increased discipline, because I thought my subconscious mind was fighting to release the Human in me. Now I believe that every time your mind sought mine, truly needing me, you did in fact contact me. But only when V'ger came was the urgency great enough to make that contact with my waking, conscious mind. Only then could your mind overcome the barriers I had set against remembering - and recognizing what I did in fact need."

Kirk pulled Spock close again. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to make things more difficult for you."

"It was my own fault," Spock returned matter-of-factly. "I should have known I couldn't reject the t'hy'la bond. I should have known..." His lips brushed Kirk's cheek.

Their hands moved, gently caressing each other. Kirk's obvious erection pressed against Spock's leg. For a moment the Human hoped Spock's inexperience would keep him from recognizing his friend's arousal; then he decided it didn't matter. For this one time at least they could both accept, unashamed, any demonstration of the deep affection that still held both of them captive - that always would.

With that realisation Kirk's last inhibitions vanished. Urgently, he pressed close; his lips sought Spock's hungrily, while one hand fumbled with the Vulcan's clothing. And Spock responded enthusiastically.

***

Afterwards they lay together on the new wide bed, still hungry for the physical contact with which they had been experimenting, but with the immediate urgency reduced.

"T'hy'la," Spock murmured. "We are truly t'hy'la now."

"Truly?" Kirk queried, slightly puzzled.

"The full meaning of the word is... not translatable. English has no word for the concept. It means, as I told you, a friend who is like a brother - and who is also one's lover. The relationship is rare nowadays; childhood bonding sees to it that few men are free to form such a relationship. But when one unbonded male finds another with whose mind his is fully, wholly compatible, the relationship is accepted by Vulcan society."

Kirk considered this for a moment. "Oh, Spock... my foolish Spock. You went to Gol, suffered so much hardship to rid yourself of your emotions, and it wasn't necessary. All the time, under your nose, was all the proof you needed that Vulcan does accept certain emotions. You just said it. If two men find their minds compatible Vulcan society accepts it - all the way. There's nothing less logical than two males being lovers, but Vulcan has a word for it. One that is, if I understand you right, an honorable one."

Spock nodded.

"All Earth's words for such a relationship still tend to be derogatory, although it's been a long time since it was illegal."

"You... could be right," Spock admitted slowly.

"I'm sure I'm right... t'hy'la," Kirk answered. He touched his lips to Spock's once more.

Spock held him at arm's length for a moment. "Jim... are you... are you sure? You have always been... attracted to women..."

"... and so often I've felt unsatisfied," Kirk told him. "I had a year with Lori Ciani, and it was a good year; but I didn't even try to persuade her to stay with me longer than that. With Lori - with so many others - it was 'out of sight, out of mind'. But you - I could never get you out of my mind. Even after two years, when V'ger came it was you I wanted beside me. And you came. Don't ever leave me again, Spock."

"T'hy'la," Spock said hoarsely, his mouth seeking Kirk's...

***

Eventually, they slept.

 


End file.
